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Achmed, the dead terrorist... (Jeff Dunham, ventriloquist & stand-up comedian, "Spark of Insanity", 2007) Good evening ...
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(Jeff Dunham, ventriloquist & stand-up comedian, "Spark of Insanity", 2007)
Good evening, Achmed!~Good evening... Infidel!~So you 're a terrorist?~Yes, I am a terrorist...~What kind of terrorist?~A terrifying... terrorist!~Are you scared?~Not really, no.~Aaargh! And now?~Not really, no.~HuHaaah! How 'bout now?~No.~God damn it! Oh.. I mean "Allah" damn it! Silence! I kill you!~So Akhmed...~No, no, it's Achmed~That's what I said!~No you said Akmed, it's Achmed! "gh", "gh", "gh"... Silence! I kill you!~How do you spell it?~What?~How do you spell your name?~Oh, let's see... A... C... Phlemgh... Silence! I kill you!~So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I would suppose you have some sort of specialty?~Yes, I am a suicide bomber.~So you' re finished?~What?~You 've done your job.~No, I haven't!~But you 're dead!~No, I'm not! I feel fine!~But you 're all bone!~It's a flesh wound!~Silence! I kill you! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bi*ch! What the hell? What are you doing? Stop touching me! I kill you!~Allright, just hold on, we'll fix this!~Ok, wait! What are you doing? Holy crap I'm in the air! Wait, something is backwards... holy crap! I need some ligaments!~Just sit still!~Ok, I will not move my ass!~You idiot, you don't have an ass!~Is that Walter?~Yeah...~He scares the crap out of me! Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase!~Why?~He has gas!~Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!~It's not funny! He will kill us!~Allright, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you...~What?~You really are dead!~Are you sure?~Yes.~I've just got my flu shot.~You really are dead!~Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins?~Are you my virgins?! I hope not!~Why?~There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there!~If this is paradise, I've been screwed!~Well did they say it will be only female virgins?~Holy crap! Wait, I could have Clay Aiken! I told a joke!~So, listen Achmed, where do you come from?~Your freakin' suitcase!~I told another one!~Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have we been getting through security at the airports?~Oh, that's easy... They open the case and I go "Hellooo! I am Lindsay Lohan!"~I told another joke! I can do this crap too! Ok, here's another one: Two Jews walkin' in a bar...~No, no!~What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bast*rd!~What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.~Oh, ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?~No!~I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no, I would toss a penny betwenn them and watch them fight to the death! Yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests but I tossed in a small boy! Yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!~Achmed!~What?~Stop doing this! You can't tell jokes like that!~Why not? I'm killing so to speak...~You can't tell jokes like that!~Why?~It offends people.~Oh, I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do "knock-knock" jokes?~Probably better...~Ok, knock-knock.~Who's there?~Me, I kill you!~So, look as a suicide bomber have you had training?~Of course, we had this suicide bomber training camp.~Ah, is that a nice facility?~It used to be...~What happened?~New guy! The idiot tried to practise!~What did you guys learn from that?~Location, location, location~So, you guys have any kind of motto?~Like what?~You know, like "we're looking for a few good men"~"We're looking for some idiots with no future"!~So, where do you get your recruits?~The suicide hotline! That was dark, was it not?~Yeah, so what exactly happened to you?~Eh?~What happened?~Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber...~What happened?~I had a premature detonation...~I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds! You know what that's like, right?! Mr hurricane!~So, Achmed what exactly happened to you?~Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone... "Can you hear me now?" Kghghgh! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes!~That's too bad!~It's ok, I took that Verizon bast*rd with me!~So, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?~If you done enough to watch the explosion, yes!~No, I mean some people say when they die they see a white light, what did you see?~I saw flying car parts!~What was the last thing that went through your mind?~My ass! Walter told me to tell that joke!~You did all these for a bunch of virgins?~Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar!~So, I guess you're Muslim?~I don't think so!~You're not Muslim?~Nooo!~Why?~Look on my ass, it says "Made in China"! Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration!~So do you like being in D.C.?~I think some idiots must live here.~Why?~For example, the Washington Monument...~Yes?~It looks nothing like the guy! It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!~What do you think of Bush?~Oh, I love Bu... Oh, you mean the president? I'm sorry!~And that's Achmed, the dead terrorist!
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